Beware of old ladies in tennis shoes? Or “Annie, get your gun?” Or a grandmother wielding a rolling pin?
They always brought forth a memory of my maternal grandmother.
I never saw her in tennis shoes, but she knew how to defend herself.
One time I asked her what she would do if a robber entered the house. “Why I’d pick up a lamp and hit him over the head,” was her reply. For her, a weapon of self-defense was whatever heavy object she could grab.
I laughed and laughed, picturing the scenario and never doubting she would do what she said.
Now, many years later I’m a grandmother and I do sometimes wear tennis shoes, and I can, if pushed, be quite formidable, too, but I’ve never felt the need to wield a weapon – or a convenient rolling pin, for that matter.
(I do admit to buying a can of mace when I was a reporter and worked nights, often driving home alone at 2 a.m., but that single can languished in the driver-side door of my car until it was probably ineffective, and I never, thankfully, had to even reach for it.)
I’ve also known women who carry pistols in their purses, and I have no problem with that if that’s what it takes to make them feel safe so long as they’re licensed and properly secured. I feel sorry they need to go to that length, though.
Like many of us, I wish there were fewer guns on the street, especially in urban areas. If there were, I tell myself, we’d be seeing more bloodied noses and fewer dead bodies.
All this said, I have to admit I was shocked when I received an email the other day offering me a free “execution torch.” Yikes.
It’s a self-defense flashlight, the email proclaimed. “with a built-in 4.8 million volt stun gun.” What in the world would I do with that? I wouldn’t even want it in the house – even if it worked on weeds.
The fact that I received the email is partly my own fault. Several years ago I was offered a tactical flashlight, free from a website, if I paid the postage. It’s a deal, I thought innocently enough, and I ordered it.
I’m not sure if this new offer came from the same website or if my email information was passed on to another company. I must admit it’s the best flashlight I’ve ever had. It still works and I love it. It was a good deal.
But in its wake lately have come frequent offers for more and more lethal or near-lethal weapons, a stun gun, a shoulder holster – all free if I paid the postage.
But a $60 stun gun posing as a flashlight? That stopped me in my tracks. It seems so dishonest to me. If you’re going to carry a weapon, at least let it look like the weapon it is, not masquerade as something else.
I sat at my desk and stared at the email with the same kind of dull, incomprehensible fascination and fear I once felt as I watched a snake slowly uncoil itself. The words, “a brutal self-defense tool” stared back at me and made me shiver.
“Why are they offering this to me? They don’t know who I am. I could be a psycho, for all they know,” I asked myself. “A teen-ager? A child? A hitman?”
I experienced the same kind of sensation a couple months ago when I was offered a “ghost gun” from the same site. A mental picture of me sitting at my kitchen counter and assembling a gun from a kit flashed before my eyes. I knew that was more than laughable and quite unlikely to happen.
At that point, I almost unsubscribed from the site, but I didn’t. I decided to keep an eye on it, to see, out of curiosity, what the company was up to. Now, the offer of an “execution torch” is definitely pointing to “Unsubscribe.”
kathrynfclark@verizon.net
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